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I spent a lot of years thinking that if I could just “lose the weight” then I’d be worthy. Worthy of love. Worthy of friends. Worthy of motherhood. Worthy of nice clothes. Worthy of social gatherings. Worthy of a good job. I worked for more than a decade to lose 160 pounds and always in the back of my mind was that voice that told me I’d finally be happy when I was the right size.
Then, I became the right size. As I type these words I sit in this tired coffee shop wearing a medium shirt and a size 10 jeans. Literally, lower than the national average which is 12-14. And yet I still have to fight feelings of inadequacy because of my weight. A few hours ago I ran into an old friend in a new grocery store in town and I’m embarrassed to admit that as I chatted excitedly about our lives and growing kids, my mind kept silently wandering to whether she was noticing the muffin top that was poking out the sides of my pants.
It’s almost engrained in my thought process. You’re fat. You’re fat. You’re fat. And ya know what, I kind of understand why. I mean I grew up overweight. I was teased about my weight all through school, even ranging back to kindergarten! The words of my peers pierced deeply into my heart as I trudged through an impossible wish for skinny. No matter how many vegetable soup diets I tried, or how much I tried to exercise, young Jennifer just could not crack the weight-loss code. Eventually I reached a breaking point and finally lost the weight, but the paralyzing words from so many years of bullying seem to creep back into my heart even now, after all these years.
But there’s got to be more to the weight loss journey than losing pounds and finally being worthy. Something that stretches beyond the affirmation of eyes that evaluate dress sizes and extra chins. Something that matters more than finally getting that body you’ve always wanted or reaching a number on the scale that doesn’t crush you to your core.
Yes, there’s so much more.
There’s this whole piece to the puzzle that is widely missed in the journey. And if you ask me, it’s a pretty dang important one! It’s the piece that reminds you to embrace your imperfect self, exactly as you are today. Because let’s face it. There is no perfect body. And even if you lose every single pound you want to lose, it’s all for naught if you’re not happy on the inside. You can call it self love, body positivity, body love, whatever you want! But I’ve been every size from 6 to 28 and what I’ve learned is that my worth is not determined by my size. Nor is it determined by a number on the scale. Nor is it determined by how many wrinkles are forming around my eyes, or how much extra skin I’m carrying around from being overweight for so long.
Growing up we heard that saying, “it’s not what’s on the outside, but what’s on the inside that counts.” And maybe we laughed it off a bit, but in all honesty it’s true. Sure, people do look at the outside. Some people, that is. But what actually matters, is who you are as a person.
I want to be that person that knows her worth. I want to be the girl who is known for loving people. For looking people in the eye and really caring about what they have to say. For being compassionate. For loving her husband fiercely. For being the best mommy she can be. For being real. For serving the people around her. For offering encouraging words. For being a channel of love.
I don’t want to be that person that feels the responsibility to uphold an image of perfection in my health journey. Sure, people will evaluate my (always-changing) body more than they might evaluate another person, because of the way I share about my journey. But what I hope people really see is my worth as a human being. Do they see kindness? Do they see tenacity? Do they see the real me, behind the before and after snapshot? Because beyond a total body transformation, there’s a major shift in thinking that has to take place on the inside as well.
These are the things that matter. As the years slip by, I understand my worth more and more. And that’s my prayer for you in your health journey. It’s not about becoming this picture perfect story of weight loss. It’s about truly loving yourself as you are today, while you work on becoming the best possible version of yourself. And spoiler alert: the best possible version of yourself means tending to the inside, too.
Choose today to understand your worth as a person. A mom. A friend. A volunteer. An employee. A wife. A human being. You are valuable to the people around you, and it’s not because of your weight.
Share with someone who needs to know their worth! <3
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